


Numinous

by Ariejul



Series: Alone in the Fallout [8]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Adult Language, Complicated Relationships, Does it matter?, Especially when Deacon is involved, F/M, Frustration, Heartache, Hurt/Comfort, Is it healthy to love someone you know nothing about?, Mentions of Synth Shaun, Pain, Sorrow, home is what you make it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-14 02:05:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11198181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ariejul/pseuds/Ariejul
Summary: Numinous: describing an experience that makes you fearful yet fascinated, awed yet attracted - the powerful, personal feeling of being overwhelmed and inspired.Deacon wants to talk. Julia feels nothing but dread.Post-game.Takes place after Erlebnisse.





	Numinous

**Author's Note:**

> I'll admit, at the end of Erlebnisse, I had no idea where I was going to go with this. I'm not really one for outlining story lines, which is why I rarely write anything more than one-shots or snippets. But well, I just started typing, and this happened. I'm okay with it. 
> 
> I think it fits pretty well. Deacon might feel a little out of character, but eh. The boy's had a tough time of it lately. 
> 
> Pretty sure this story won't make a whole lot of sense without reading the previous entries.
> 
> Anyway, here it is. I hope you enjoy.
> 
> As with all my work. No beta.

Julia and Deacon don’t speak much after what happened at the grave-site. Julia isn’t exactly avoiding him, a near impossible feat in so small a space, but she gives him as much space as she can. Though, she’s almost certain he _is_ attempting to avoid her. Whenever Julia walks in, he leaves, or barring that, he’s sleeping or at least feigning it. It’s hard to tell with those sunglasses of his. He never takes them off.

Julia longs acutely to see those eyes again. She wants… so many things, but they all seem out of reach.

Deacon, at least physically, is on the mend. He could leave whenever he wished now and be no worse for wear. He doesn’t seem inclined to go, however, and Julia will take it. She pushes away the deep rooted fear that she will wake one morning to an empty mattress, its occupant long since gone. She knows the next time Deacon leaves, he’ll make sure she can’t follow, Dogmeat or no. It terrifies her, like the cold dark of that cryo chamber swallowing her up again.

She wanders out to the small fire, where Nick is sitting on watch. “Hey, kid,” he greets, a wry turn to his mouth. “How you holdin’ up?”

Julia sits down on the ground opposite him, staring up at the starry sky. “I’ll manage, but thanks for asking. You doing okay?”

The Synth Detective nods. “How’s Deacon?”

Julia glances back to the house, where the man in question is sleeping. Or faking it. A sigh rushes from her lips. “Very Deacon.”

“That bad, eh?” Nick lights a cigarette and takes a long drag. “Do you have a plan, Julia, or are we just going to keep sitting here on our hands?”

“I don’t know what to do, Nick. I didn’t expect this to be easy, but…” She rakes a hand through her hair in frustration. “Is it so wrong that I just want things to be the way they were? I was… happy.”

Nick chuckles, flicking a bit of ash into the fire. “Nobody likes change.” He gestures toward the house. “I think your friend in there likes it less than most.”

Julia thinks about the memory she relived at the Den. The way his touch makes her feel, even now, sends a frisson down her spine. “Yeah,” she huffs. Leaning back heavily on her hands, she thinks about the last time she looked at the stars before the Bombs. She’d been on a date with Nate. Their third, if memory serves. They weren't married yet. Barely knew each other, really. He’d fallen asleep on her shoulder, and she knew then, the way her heart ached so sweetly, that she loved him.

He studies her across the firelight. “You’ve been pretty quiet lately. You wanna talk about things? Won’t go any further.”

“I just...” she starts, knowing if she looks at Nick now the words will die unspoken, “I never thought I could care about anyone after Nate. Never thought my heart would open enough to allow it, but then this kamikaze of a man flew into my life. He followed me around, lied to me, told the _worst_ jokes at all the wrong times, and yet. I felt more alive with him than I had since Nate died. The whole world burned, but this man I knew nothing about could still make me smile. Could still make me feel alive. He kept me going after I lost Shaun. I… love him, Nick. I love him, and it hurts so much. But I never want it to stop. I am so fucking scared that the next time I wake up, he's going to be gone forever.”

He says nothing for a time. “Does he know?”

She laughs, feeling strangely light. “Deacon notices everything. It’s sorta his thing.” Of course he knows. He probably knew before she did. Julia flops back in the grass, closing her eyes. If only she knew his own feelings. Would he have fucked her if he didn’t feel _something?_ She doesn’t think Deacon is that cruel to anyone other than himself, but she can’t be certain. She isn’t certain about much of anything anymore.

“Think that’s why he ran?”

Julia couldn’t even say. There’s so much she is certain she will never, ever know about the clever man sleeping in the shanty behind her. That thought, oddly, doesn’t hurt. God, she’s in love with a man and doesn’t even know his _name._ Just an alias, and it doesn’t even bother her. It’s complete and utter madness, but she just doesn’t _care._

She makes a noncommittal gesture above her head.

Dogmeat wanders over and flops beside her head, licking at her bare shoulder.

“Hey, boy,” she greets, awkwardly scratching him behind the ears. “Get tired of keeping Deacon company?”

The dog whines a little, lifting his head back toward the house.

Julia laughs softly, rolling onto her side toward her canine companion. “You’re worried about him, too, aren’t you, boy?”

He yips softly, wagging his tail, and she hugs him.

“Maybe,” Nick starts, “and this is just my two caps, but maybe you ought to tell him some of what you told me just now. Might wanna preface it with something a little less terrifying than 'I love you' first though.”

Julia looks at Nick, considering. “Maybe.”

After a bit more idle chatter, Julia returns back inside, intent on getting some sleep. She’s surprised to find Deacon awake and making no move to remove himself from her presence.

“I think,” he manages after a moment, licking his lips, “we need to talk.”

Julia’s heart leaps against the confines of her ribcage, and sleep is suddenly the furthest thing from her mind. She gingerly sits down a safe distance away. “Okay. Do you want me to start, or…?” It’s hard not to fidget. She hadn’t been expecting this.

Deacon shakes his head, averting his gaze. “This may come as a shock, but I’m not good with the whole feelings thing.”

Julia raises a brow. “You don’t say?”

He ignores her, continuing on hesitantly. “There’s… I lied about that night in Sanctuary.” He stops, clearing trying to formulate what he wants to say.

Julia cuts him off. “It’s okay, Deacon. I remember what happened.”

His gaze snaps up to her, slack-jawed surprise there for just an instant. “Yeah, well. I don’t… do things like that. Usually.”

She nods. When he doesn’t say anything more, she asks, “do you regret it?”

The sadness in his voice is a palpable thing, rolling off him in waves. “Do you?”

“Deacon, could you take off your sunglasses and look at me?”

He hesitates, but eventually acquiesces. Those beautiful eyes are as heart wrenching as she remembers.

Julia takes a deep breath, trying to ease her racing heart. “I wanted… you to touch me. I still do. My only regret is that I forgot because I know it hurt you. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t… apologize. It’s fine. I just…” he seems to choke on the words, closing his eyes and looking away. “I can’t do this again. Leave myself so… open.”

Her heart breaks for him, but she understands. “I get it, y’know? Nate was… ripped away from me in an instant. I didn’t think I could move past that. He was… everything to me.”

He nods. Before she can continue, he hesitantly murmurs, “I heard what you said. To Nick.”

She manages to smile, a little, staring down at her hands. “I was talking that loud, huh? Well, guess that’s out in the open now.” Julia feels exposed, stripped bare, and she’s afraid. Afraid that his beautiful broken man beside her will disappear forever. Could she survive that, she wonders, losing one of the only things she managed to get back after her life was destroyed in nuclear fire?

“Jules,” he murmurs, reaching toward her.

She evades his touch, aching as she does. If he touches her now, she’ll crumble. “Please,” she begs, voice breaking along the edges, “don’t say my name. Don’t… get my hopes up that I might actually get to keep you.”

Silence rings out between them, heavy in the darkness. Tears slip down her cheeks, and she hates it but can’t make herself stop. This is the end. She’s going to lose him, like she lost Nate and Shaun and everyone else that ever mattered. He’s going to disappear from her life as quickly as he came in it, and Julia doesn’t know what she’s going to do in the aftermath.

“I’m… a monster,” he says, voice ringing loudly in the silence. “I made you kill your son.”

“I made that choice!” she snaps angrily, hands balling up into fists in her lap. “I knew what would happen. I’m not a child, Deacon, and you don’t have to shoulder that guilt when it isn’t even _your_ fault. I didn’t have to do any of those things, but I did and not because you forced me. Please stop treating yourself like this.”

“If I hadn’t recruited you,” he says, voice oddly dull, “none of it would have happened.”

She finally looks up at him, holding his gaze. “There isn’t a single moment I regret, Deacon. You… saved me, when I didn’t want to be saved. You stayed, and you made me remember that I still knew how to smile. That my life didn’t end when the Bombs fell. There’s so much about you that I don’t know, but you’re a good man.” She looks away, color rising in her cheeks. “You’re such a good man, and I love you. I won’t ask for anything more than your friendship. Just please… don’t leave me behind.”

His silence stings, and she clenches her eyes shut. Her chest is so tight she can barely breathe, and all she can think is that Deacon won’t stay. He’s going to go and leave her alone, and how is she going to explain it to Shaun? How is she going to manage without him?

The sensation of gentle fingers threading through her hair snaps her back like a rubber band, and suddenly she’s in Deacon’s arms and what the hell is going on?

“You are, like, coo-coo for cocoa puffs to fall in love with a man you know nothing about,” he whispers into her hair.

Julia wonders if she’s dreaming. It has to be a dream, right? She snakes her arms around him anyway, and presses her face into his chest. “It’s all your fault, you big jerk, for making me laugh at your stupid jokes,” she grumbles.

He laughs a bit brokenly, and she hesitantly pulls back enough to see his face. His eyes are bright with that same heartsick sadness, but there’s a flicker of something like hope there.

“Are we okay, Deacon?” she asks, wondering if he’d be upset if she kissed him. 

He looks at her, knuckles brushing along her jawline as he smiles. “Yeah. We’re... we're golden.”

She’s held there, transfixed. His eyes really are far too expressive for a spy. Her tongue feels thick and unwieldy, but she manages to whisper, “can I really keep you?”

He nods slowly. “If the Savior of the Commonwealth wants a man like me, who am I to refuse?” He closes the distance between them, and Julia’s home.


End file.
